The Awkwardness of First Times

Ugh, this is so awkward. 

This is my first time writing a blog post. It’s taken me a long time to get here. I have wanted to start a blog since... 

[checks calendar]

[switches to yearly view]

[scrolls... a lot] 

2009. Do you even remember 2009? My blogging heroes were Havi Brooks (still going at Fluent Self!) and Naomi Dunford (who, I just learned, retired this year. No, I didn’t have a lot of feelings about that, why do you ask?). 

I absolutely loved the way these two women showed up, worked and wrote even when they didn’t feel like it, displayed their vulnerability like a badge of courage (ooh, side hustle idea: Girl Scout-style badges that say “I was vulnerable today” and have a picture of a puppy with his belly up), and charged money to help people do the same. They helped people build personal brands by helping them believe in themselves and largely without having to say gross stuff like “personal brand.” 

I read their blogs -- oh God, I pored over their archives -- in the hopes that their courage and work ethic would somehow seep through my eyes into my brain like some kind of digital osmosis. I followed them until I understood the irony of what I was doing. 

And, you know, life happened. I started and finished grad school, I worked as a yoga studio manager, I taught yoga, I fell in love, I had side hustles, I had a baby, blah blah blah. 

Oh, also, a terrifying, mysterious, and highly contagious respiratory infection literally overtook the world. There, now we’re all caught up. 

So here I am, with 11 years worth of pent-up anxiety about oh my God do I even have anything to say and why would anyone read it and everyone else has already said it and way smarter than I could and and and . Aren’t you glad you’re here? 

Actually, I hope you are, because I think the fear of showing up fully as yourself is way more relatable than any of us talk about. I’m planning to write about that here, even as I experience it with this blog. 

I also plan to talk about teaching and practicing yoga, as these have both been my greatest and most consistent avenues for personal growth. 

I also have some reflections on the yoga world as I see it. It looks... different on the inside than it does on Instagram. (But I guess that’s generally true about Instagram.) 

I also want to talk about what it’s like to be a new mother right now. Anyone who becomes a parent talks about it like they are the first to experience how challenging it is, which, HAHAHAHA. But raising a baby is the biggest and most dramatic thing I do with my time these days, so I have some things to say. 

And, I would like to share what I learn about writing along the way. I love listening to writers discuss their creative process; it’s one of my favorite ways to procrastinate on my own. But it’s one thing to listen to experts reflect on what works for them and very much another to be an amateur, throwing a bunch of shit on a screen and seeing what sticks. (Oh, also, if you don’t like curse words, you might need to find something else to read.) 

So, here I go. Here are my attempts to show up, be vulnerable, and believe in myself. Would you like to come with me?